Much more than just a seasonal treat this year

I moved out of my parents house 2.5 years ago.

My first Christmas on my own, I collected my favourite Christmas cookie recipes so that I could make in my new home, my new town, my new life.

That's as far as I got.

Last year, I dug out the recipes. I made a grocery list. I bought all the ingredients. (Including a 5 lb bag of chocolate chips I proceeded to eat throughout the course of 2006 - since I never ended up baking with them.)

One step further.

This year, I was determined to actually make the Christmas cookies. In a year where my umbrella New Year's resolution was "Get Your Life Under Control"... where, around October, I realized I had given it a stellar effort and could be proud of myself for pulling so many facets of my life under control with some success..., where the world seemed to be falling apart all around me even as I was fairly happy with how my life was going personally... this year it suddenly became imperative that I actually bake the cookies. Not just think about it, or dream about it, or start to plan to do it and get too busy.

This year, if I didn't get the cookies made, I had decided it was going to somehow represent my complete inability to take control of my life and make it what I want. A lack of Christmas cookies was going to result in a feeling of complete defeat and despair... and likely a bit of a breakdown (a la sitting on the kitchen floor crying). That's a lot of pressure to put on 2 cups of sugar and 1 3/4 cups of all-purpose flour.

This week is Christmas cookie week. Ingredients were purchased Monday and Chocolate Macadamia Nut Bars were made. Tonight it was Cranberry Squares and PeanutButterScotch Squares. Several options are available tomorrow. The rum balls and cinnamon pinwheels will likely be on the weekend.

The Christmas cookies will be made. No matter what it takes.

And, as I fight through the end of year burnout and fatigue at work, I find the thought of Christmas baking is what drives me through the day. Excitement growing as quitting time nears, so I can go home, peruse my recipes and decide which yummy treat I will make that night. And as I bake, and listen to Sarah McLachlan's Wintersong CD for the 7 zillionth time, I actually start to relax. And forget about life. And just enjoy being.

And when I hand out the little packages of cookies at work next week, the people who receive them will see delicious little pieces of joy and happiness with chocolate or butterscotch or cinnamon accents.

But not I. I will see victory.